Masochist for Christ

I lay at night in our tent within the cattle camp, as the wind is getting ready to take off our rain cover to our screen roof tent. The raindrops hit hard on the tent, the lighting flashes and the thunder cracks and pounds. I sleep in my clothes always but this time with my hoody and I pull it over my face. I pray. “Lord please don’t let our rain cover fly off.” Then I feel drops of water come down on my cover and my head I look up and the rain cover is still there, just some rain that is blown in, it is a hard storm.

I smile as Justin, Malual, and I all suffer in this thunderstorm, as none of us are asleep. I feel happy, I feel great, I feel closest to God at times like these. I think I have learned to love my suffering for God. Think about it, when all is wrong in your life but the reason is because you are serving the one true God who created this earth! I love it! Hurt me, burn me, cut me, soak me in this tent, all just to give glory to God even if that is just for one Church service to Him in the cattle camp, it was all worth it! I smile at the barrel of an Aka, I laugh that I get to praise God for the treats and strikes. There is masochism in my work for God to feel close, to feel right.

O crap now I have to pee! O well I will just hold it, I don’t feel like getting up and peeing in this rain.

 

O no….I feel a great fear come upon me as I lay there giving God praise for my suffering. Bang! An Aka fires, but that is not were my fear is coming from, it comes from with in me. I realize this journey this adventure in Sudan will end soon. Then I go back to America and do what!?

My whole enjoyment of suffering for God will be gone! I thrive on my sufferings for Christ each day out here, how will I do that at home!? There is no suffering for me in my sweet little American home! I have everything I need there! Here in Sudan I depend on God for every single thing in my life. I wake up and do the service to God and go at it until there is nothing more I can do, then done, I rest then I get up and do it all over again! That is the life! What more do I need? To only constantly depend on God for everything, and knowing your in the right place from your work and the suffering you go through. Where will I find this pleasure at home!?

When the truck breaks down in the middle of nowhere on the road who do I call, God! I pray that no one will rob me I pray that we get there safely and I suffer and am made weak for him, and it is the greatest feeling ever, I can’t even describe with words! But in the States who do I call, AAA! Hop on the cell and call a homie up!

Now I know you say o well that’s God helping you out in the States, but no! It’s at a different level I can’t explain nor can I go back to! I just cannot go back to that low sight of faith and dependency of God that I was! Ezekiel, I hate the person I was!

God told the Israelites over and over put you trust and strength in me, why, because trust and dependency is love, is relationship. In the New Testament we see that suffering for Christ is held as an honor! This is something to brag about! Now how will I continue this in the States!? I need to continue to serve Him so when I suffer it is nothing but great pleasure in my heart; I am a masochist for Christ! O lord and if I don’t continue to serve you back home or in the future like I do here I think I will go crazy! When things go wrong in the States how will I enjoy the suffering? It’s not for Christ, No! It is to pay a bill or look for a job, all things to serve my selfish self; I don’t want to do that! I don’t give a damn about my self! I need to serve God and Him only that is what we are supposed to do!  God is my pimp and I am his hoe, who relies on him for everything! I am like an soldier who kills in the war all day, then suddenly they just send me home, what now?!

 

 But I can just see my self falling right back in to doing nothing for God! O the thought of it makes me vomit!

 

 To feel this close to the Lord is so indescribable, but I do know it is like the sweetest drug that I cannot put down!

 

And now I go back home to what?! To people who will try to hold me to a high title because I have been out here for just two years, when really it is not an high title at all! It is the low title the lowest of the low! Who will be first will be last! I am His slave His nothing; this is just what I suppose to do anyway!

Then I go back to the woman I love and will marry but will she even know me? I think I will aggravate her more then anything with my obsession with suffering for Christ!

I can’t hold my pee anymore, I just wip it out and pee through the zipper of the tent outside.

I don’t know God, all I’m saying is please don’t for get your slave, your dog who eats from your servants crumbs. Lord I long to keep this feeling I have each day out here with you and now I am so scared that I might lose it. Please give me something Lord Please. I need to continue to serve you where ever I am in my life, that is all I ask, let me continue to be your slave….